Endymion's Dream

1965

I know it has been awhile. I don’t really ever miss you. When I recall the fact that you even exist it kinda confuzzles me. I mean, I do have a life, even though very rarely does anything happen truly momentous in it. I only have a few more months left here in Germany. I will truly miss this place and experience, though glad to return to the States.

Began a Twitter account. It is not a bad gig. You can just update with whatever you want, and thankfully I don’t have to worry too much about what I say. For some reason, I do guard a lot of information on here. Trying to make this more of just an emotional outlet. Not really dealing with the day to day stuff.

For months there, I was feeling great, happy with life and generally accepting of my situation, the past month has a been a little harder. Not really feeling bad or terrible. No feelings of guilt, but and underlining veneer of unease has settled on me at times.

H.

CQ

So, I have to work tomorrow, on a 24 hour shift. This interferes with something that I have been desiring and wanting to do for months. Something planned, discussed and pined for.

You would not believe the amount of pain, horror, frustration and hatred that overtook me. I had to go to the gym almost immediately afterward and work out for 2 hours. I put every effort into it that I could in order to try and burn off the energy from the anger. Of course, there was another person there that knew the situation, but they joked about it in a manner that caused my ire to increase.

This was a good thing as it gave me an added impetus to work out, beyond how I normally do. Arms, chest, shoulders and back are pretty weak now and will probably be killing me tomorrow, but it was worth it.

Thankfully a friend of mine is going to cover down on my shift for me so that I can at least partake in my event, but it upsets me greatly that I will miss the vast majority of the day to this work shift.

Anyway, I hope everyone else has a wonderful weekend and takes care. Don’t do anything crazy and may you have a good time.

H.

Cuerpo De Mujer

Body of a woman, white hills, white thighs,

you look like a world, lying in surrender.

My rough peasant’s body digs in you

and makes the son leap from the depth of the earth.

I was alone like a tunnel. The birds fled from me,

and night swamped me with its crushing invasion.

To survive myself I forged you like a weapon,

like an arrow in my bow, a stone in my sling.

But the hour of vengeance falls, and I love you.

Body of skin, of moss, of eager and firm milk.

Oh the goblets of the breast! Oh the eyes of absence!

Oh the roses of the pubis! Oh your voice, slow and sad!

Body of my woman, I will persist in your grace.

My thirst, my boundless desire, my shifting road!

Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows

and weariness follows, and the infinite ache.

                                                                                              Pablo Neruda

Pablo Neruda wrote this when he was 20 years old. How can one have that much emotion, knowledge and raw talent so young? I find it just shocking and it awakens such jealousy in me. I am content with my lot in life and look at my great contribution as being through helping my friends out. I think they are the most amazing people with such brilliant ideas and abilities, that if I can facilitate them achieving their goals, I will be helping the world greatly.

I guess I am still looking for my best friend, though.

H.

Relish.

Was just thinking of an ex-girlfriend. Miss her somewhat, but know that she is happy now and in a good relationship and that is what is important. We never really broke up, more like drifted apart. I blame myself, though there are shades of gray surrounding the whole thing. I hope I get to visit her soon, and meet the new beaux. I am sure he is an incredible guy.

Had to work a 30 hour shift at work the past 2 days. Was woken up due to their need of me to help after sleeping for 5 hours. Now I can not go back to sleep. Will probably just have a beer and then go get some dinner. Starving!

I love my life now, there are so many aspects of it that I take for granted and dismiss. Oh! Actually had one of my superiors tell me he is going to talk to my head supervisor about promoting me, so that was cool. I told him not to, said that I thought the responsibility might be too great. He dismissed that idea, so we shall see how that works out. Back to the point though. I enjoy my life now, but have found myself yearning for the past. Not so much now, but previously and with great feeling.

Anyway, dinner calls. Have a great day.

H.

21st Century Digital Boy

I am constantly shocked at how mainstream and relevant the “Nerd/Geek/Dweeb” culture has become. I mean, it was never as bad as certain other personality traits that were out there and prevalent, but the stigma was kind of a burden in the late 90’s.

I imagine it could be the influx of technology in the culture and the need to understand it, and by gaining that knowledge it allowed for the genre to become more engaging. Also the popularity of such things as “The Matrix”, “Harry Potter” and “Twilight” have spawned so many copies that the overall scene is just ripe for being catered to.

I don’t mind it at all, but still suffer a sort of vertigo when confronted with it by people that I would not have typically thought would suffer the lifestyle before.

I really wish I was back into music as much as I used to be. I need to start paying attention again. My younger friends keep introducing me to stuff, and while it is good, I don’t typically have the patience to follow through with the dedication necessary to truly get into the music and come to love it. Even when I do find something I like it seems to take something really clever or truly engaging for me to get into it.

Work, has been quite easy, but tiring lately. Lots of crazy shifts at odd times, on top of my regular work day. Not enough sleep. lol. I have been trying to change routines and such around, to make it easier, but it has not been implemented it yet so still struggling a little. Of course, I am still waiting on my transfer in 8-9 months. So excited for that and the opportunities it will bring. Also, ready to see two good friends that will be living near. Of course the move will be good for my interest in music, due to the greater exposure to it in the area.

Being able to go to the movies at a regular interval and with relative ease will be a plus as well. Really feel divorced from my old routine lately. Hope the culture shock from moving back closer to home won’t be so odd after 2 years.

Just noticed today how much I enjoy the anonymity of Tumblr.

H.

Names - Cat Power

His name was Perry
He had a learning difficulty
His father was a very mean man
His father burned his skin
His father sent him to his death
He was ten years old
He was ten years old
He was ten years old

Her name was Naomi
Beautiful round face, so ashamed
Told me how to please a man
After school in the back of a bus
She was doing it every day
She was eleven years old
She was eleven years old
She was eleven years old

Her name was Sheryl
Black hair, like an electric space
She would pretty paint my face
She was a very good friend
Her father would come to her in the night
She was twelve years old
She was twelve years old
She was twelve years old

His name was Donovan
He was a very good friend
The cards were stacked against him
He was selling cocaine
The last time I saw him
He was thirteen years old
He was thirteen years old
He was thirteen years old

His name was Charles
He said he was in love with me
We were both fourteen
Then I had to move away
Then he begin to smoke crack
Then he had to sell ass
I don’t know where he is
I don’t know where they are

H.

Restricted Area

What a hell of a day. Had to go into work at roughly 3:00 a.m. Finally got off about 3:00 p.m. Was going full speed the whole day. The good news is that I might be able to go home for the holidays this year. That will be a grand adventure, though I will most likely spend the majority of the time trying to get things in order and squared away back there.

I had a pretty good weekend. I was able to partake in a pretty prestigious shooting competition in Germany. I ended up getting the best score possible at it. I was pretty proud of this accomplishment. It has been a good year since I last shot a weapon and to be able to not only compete, but excel at it made my day. This also has a direct effect on my promotion opportunities at work, so double kudos.

Feel loved by family and friends, but not to the level I would like to by some. It is difficult to try and pursue something you want when it is so far away, but when you see the person you want with someone else, no matter how happy you feel for them, it can still hurt. I am just thankful that I am pretty scarred over in regards to matters of the heart. I know that sometimes I am not fair, but in this instance I am trying to be as supportive and friend-like that I can. I think I am doing well, and would not ever think of interfering, but when I think about how I will be near her in less than a year, it positively destroys me that I can not facilitate a definite relationship parameter that is beneficial to us both.

It is a shame, mainly due to the fact that this job is what keeps me from her, but I met her through it, so that is the rub. Eh, enough of that piddling about.

Like, I have mentioned before, I am going to be able to go home this December. I am kinda nervous in this regard. I have not gone home in nearly 2 years! I am very excited to see my family. My youngest sisters are twins and just turned 6. The next oldest is now 11 and was so sweet to me before she left. So supportive of my new job and adventures. My oldest sister is now 16 and has her own car. I am sure I will be able to check on her and make sure. My little brother is 20 and living a few hours from home now. I am sure that I will run into him somehow for the holiday season.

Anyway, take care.

H.

On sweet digital distraction.

Well, I have spent the last week and a half free from work, and though it had its ups and downs, for the most part it was glorious. I am lying of course. I do enjoy my work, I really do, it is just I am becoming increasingly aware that I am probably at the worst place to really excel and perform my job in the full capacity that I want. This has lead me to be less motivated and bored.

It is an accepted fact that this place is one of the least desirable spots, but the kicker is that it transitioned from being one of the best as soon as I was assigned here. Roughly a month and half after I arrived my region changed its mission statement and that is what has led to the current predicament. Oh well, I can not believe that I am complaining so much. My work day consisted of myself and two colleagues sitting in a common area and reading magazines and newspapers. I was literally paid to do crosswords, word jumbles and to read my book. I have had far worse jobs and the pay is significantly better. I guess I just spent so much time and effort into getting to this place that I am just dissatisfied that I am not being properly utilized and suitably motivated. I only have slightly over a year before I can put in for my transfer. I know at that point I will end up complaining about the work I will have to put in there. lol.

I guess the title refers to my obsessive, distracting and cathartic love of media. I love movies, television and music. If I could/would get a job dealing within those pursuits I would hopefully be ecstatic. The most likely outcome would be disillusionment with the whole enterprise. I should be happy to just enjoy it, and I do. I guess it just one of those dream things. I know no matter what, though, that I would still be able to love the things I do, but would have such a broader appreciation. This comforts me and makes me receptive to the situation I am in.

Wow, this post went far differently than I imagined it would. To be honest I was merely going to write about how I have been watching a lot of the show Fringe and Glee. Fringe has grown on me exponentially in the successive seasons. The character interactions on this show…when they are on, they are on. Glee is very enjoyable. Some of their adaptations are so well thought out it is amazing. I have heard from reliable sources that it will begin to go downhill, and fast. I worry about that, but for right now I am just going with it and loving the experience.

Anyway, bedtime. Hope you are doing well and that you have a wonderful day. Take care.

H.

Cutting, but in a good way.

Well, I am sorry it has been a while. Not much has happened. Well, that is not entirely true. In the past 3 months I have been passed over for a wonderful work position. Not something that most would  go for, and it would have made me even harder to reach for roughly a year. I would not have minded, though. It would have eased advancement and qualified me in a very big way for my job. I don’t know though, I still have almost five years left to accomplish the same position. Other than that I have participated in a couple of rotational shifts that were nice and been put in more of a leadership position. Don’t know how long that will last though.

I have two surgeries that I am getting done, scratch that. I have already received one, and let me say I can see clearly now! lol. That is a stupid way of describing the Lasik surgery I got last Wednesday. It is pretty amazing, but has not fully sinked in how completely this has changed my life. It will definitely allow me to excel in my job, in certain capacities. I still reach for my glasses and have trouble with bright light, but that is to be expected I suppose.

The other surgery, was finally approved and authorized. I am proud to announce that, sometime in May, I hope, I will be able to get a “tummy tuck”. Still going to work towards lowering my weight more so that it is even more dramatic. It is exciting and troubling at the same time, since I will be able to return home for vacation this summer and I don’t want to spend that time recuperating. I want to be able to go fishing with my father, to visit with my mother and siblings and most importantly to visit the old watering holes with my friends I don’t want it to be any later than May, and actually wish it was earlier, just so I would be healed by the time it rolls around. Sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to travel to the clinic where I got my Lasik done in order to have a post-op check up. That will be a headache, oh wait, it already is! lol. I wish my friends knew how much I was thinking of them and how I regret not being near them. they don’t realize how much I creep on Facebook. Looking into their lives and vicariously experiencing their joys, triumphs and failures. Being far away really puts into perspective how much I care for them and miss them. It also is poignant because it makes one think of all the bullshit or pain one has put them through, but I guess that is what makes a friend. All the past experiences, good and bad and how you stick together through all those times.

Salutations,

H.

Been a while

Well, it has been a while since I posted on here. This is due mainly to my computer’s hard drive crashing and the amazing amount of work stress that has come into my life.

Anyway, I hope to resume posting more and to tantalize you all with my vague descriptions of my humdrum life.

H.